Before having my two, sweet little ones, I had endless hours to read The Word and study it. Working part time gave me ample opportunity to sit for great lengths of time to really dig deep and grow my theology. I always came out of my study sessions refreshed and pumped about what I had learned.
These days, I have very little time to sit and study; at least not on a consistent basis. Some days I will have zero time while others I can loose myself in reading, praying, and studying for hours when the kiddos actually manage to take long, wonderful naps at the same time. While I am working on finding a consistent time to carve out and seek to make my quiet times my priority, I am finding that in this new season of life God is growing me in a much different way than he had pre-kiddos.
As mentioned, with those hours of study time, I was able to plumb the depths of theology and dig deep, deep into Scriptures. These days, I am learning about God and being sanctified rather, by the day in and day out interaction/instruction/discipline of my children. I am being forced to LIVE out the theology I learned for so long. Granted, we should always be living out our theology but I've never had such a practical, in-your-face opportunity before becoming a parent. I had opportunity, mind you, but I could shirk from those; my children are with me all.the.time and force me to confront the true nature of my heart.
What I am noticing the most, as the Lord has definitely given me at least one child that has the exact same type of sin nature as me, is that when confronted with their sin, I am confronted with my own heart. When I see my child getting angry, getting frustrated, being selfish, I am looking at and responding to my own heart. How can I respond to his sin harshly and without understanding when I commit the same sins, on a daily basis, to a greater degree, against my Lord? When I stop to think those thoughts when I am exasperated with my children, it helps me to respond as God has responded to me, as His child. Parenting has really made the gospel come alive to me in a much more profound way than ever before, as I consider what Christ truly took on when He took on my sin and lavished me with a grace I never, ever deserve.
I have also found that the sins that The Lord has revealed to me in my own life, currently those of being easily provoked to anger and not loving others, I have opportunity to study and put off/put on as I instruct my son in those areas. In many ways, it has become an apparent blessing of sorts to have my son manifest some of the same tendencies towards sin as I have because I find it much easier to put off/put on when I am having to instruct him in the same things. When I pick out a verse to work on memorizing with him, it speaks to my spiritual needs as well. When I teach him what it looks like to honor his father, I am reminding myself what it looks like to love and honor my husband. When I teach him how to love his sister and show kindness to others, I am teaching myself how to love and prefer others. My children are God's way of teaching me to live out my theology; to live out the life that He has designed me for; to live the life that I am always saying I want to live but don't.
It's so hard. Some days I don't want to deal with my children's sin, mainly because I don't want to be confronted with my own. But in even those sinful attitudes, I am met with conviction and forced to choose myself or my Lord, obedience or disobedience. And all this with children who can't yet talk. I can only imagine how the heat will be turned up once Aaron can parrot my words and confront me verbally with my own sin. Ouch. But a good ouch. Parenting is a crazy, amazing blessing on so many levels and I'm thankful that God uses it to further prepare me for glory.
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