Before having my two, sweet little ones, I had endless hours to read The Word and study it. Working part time gave me ample opportunity to sit for great lengths of time to really dig deep and grow my theology. I always came out of my study sessions refreshed and pumped about what I had learned.
These days, I have very little time to sit and study; at least not on a consistent basis. Some days I will have zero time while others I can loose myself in reading, praying, and studying for hours when the kiddos actually manage to take long, wonderful naps at the same time. While I am working on finding a consistent time to carve out and seek to make my quiet times my priority, I am finding that in this new season of life God is growing me in a much different way than he had pre-kiddos.
As mentioned, with those hours of study time, I was able to plumb the depths of theology and dig deep, deep into Scriptures. These days, I am learning about God and being sanctified rather, by the day in and day out interaction/instruction/discipline of my children. I am being forced to LIVE out the theology I learned for so long. Granted, we should always be living out our theology but I've never had such a practical, in-your-face opportunity before becoming a parent. I had opportunity, mind you, but I could shirk from those; my children are with me all.the.time and force me to confront the true nature of my heart.
What I am noticing the most, as the Lord has definitely given me at least one child that has the exact same type of sin nature as me, is that when confronted with their sin, I am confronted with my own heart. When I see my child getting angry, getting frustrated, being selfish, I am looking at and responding to my own heart. How can I respond to his sin harshly and without understanding when I commit the same sins, on a daily basis, to a greater degree, against my Lord? When I stop to think those thoughts when I am exasperated with my children, it helps me to respond as God has responded to me, as His child. Parenting has really made the gospel come alive to me in a much more profound way than ever before, as I consider what Christ truly took on when He took on my sin and lavished me with a grace I never, ever deserve.
I have also found that the sins that The Lord has revealed to me in my own life, currently those of being easily provoked to anger and not loving others, I have opportunity to study and put off/put on as I instruct my son in those areas. In many ways, it has become an apparent blessing of sorts to have my son manifest some of the same tendencies towards sin as I have because I find it much easier to put off/put on when I am having to instruct him in the same things. When I pick out a verse to work on memorizing with him, it speaks to my spiritual needs as well. When I teach him what it looks like to honor his father, I am reminding myself what it looks like to love and honor my husband. When I teach him how to love his sister and show kindness to others, I am teaching myself how to love and prefer others. My children are God's way of teaching me to live out my theology; to live out the life that He has designed me for; to live the life that I am always saying I want to live but don't.
It's so hard. Some days I don't want to deal with my children's sin, mainly because I don't want to be confronted with my own. But in even those sinful attitudes, I am met with conviction and forced to choose myself or my Lord, obedience or disobedience. And all this with children who can't yet talk. I can only imagine how the heat will be turned up once Aaron can parrot my words and confront me verbally with my own sin. Ouch. But a good ouch. Parenting is a crazy, amazing blessing on so many levels and I'm thankful that God uses it to further prepare me for glory.
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Infertility Awareness Week
So, I am a few days late but I still wanted to take the time to acknowledge Infertility Awareness Week, which was last week, April 21-27th, 2013.
While I am on the other side of infertility now (to God alone be the glory!), I never EVER want to forget what I learned in those two years waiting for children. God absolutely used those two years more than any other in my life to strengthen my faith and draw me nearer to Him. It was in my waiting and in the uncertainty of the future that I truly came to trust, deep in my soul, that God was enough for me. And, while God did indeed have biological children written in His will for my life, I am continually looking back on those years, recalling God's goodness and God's sovereignty through them. To this day, when the memories of those years and those lessons learned are stirred up, I am brought to tears, literal tears. When I hear of others struggling with infertility...still waiting, still praying, still trusting...I am moved to pray for them fervently.
Something that did help me greatly during those years was song; songs that reminded me of God's character, songs that met me in the despair, songs that offered words of encouragement, of hope, and of praise for all that the Lord does for His children. While the following song was not yet written at the time of my journey, it is one that moves me to remember and to be thankful. It's not about infertility specifically but if you, dear reader, are struggling, regardless of the trial, let it encourage your soul.
And know, dear reader, if you are struggling with the specific trial of infertility, whether I am aware of it or not, I am praying for you. I praise the Lord for my journey because, Lord willing, I can use it to encourage and pray for others, others such as you.
While I am on the other side of infertility now (to God alone be the glory!), I never EVER want to forget what I learned in those two years waiting for children. God absolutely used those two years more than any other in my life to strengthen my faith and draw me nearer to Him. It was in my waiting and in the uncertainty of the future that I truly came to trust, deep in my soul, that God was enough for me. And, while God did indeed have biological children written in His will for my life, I am continually looking back on those years, recalling God's goodness and God's sovereignty through them. To this day, when the memories of those years and those lessons learned are stirred up, I am brought to tears, literal tears. When I hear of others struggling with infertility...still waiting, still praying, still trusting...I am moved to pray for them fervently.
Something that did help me greatly during those years was song; songs that reminded me of God's character, songs that met me in the despair, songs that offered words of encouragement, of hope, and of praise for all that the Lord does for His children. While the following song was not yet written at the time of my journey, it is one that moves me to remember and to be thankful. It's not about infertility specifically but if you, dear reader, are struggling, regardless of the trial, let it encourage your soul.
And know, dear reader, if you are struggling with the specific trial of infertility, whether I am aware of it or not, I am praying for you. I praise the Lord for my journey because, Lord willing, I can use it to encourage and pray for others, others such as you.
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Weeds
These two are weeds: growing, thriving weeds. But, unlike real weeds, beautiful and treasured.
This month we hit two big milestones. Two months for Lucy and eighteen months for Aaron.
Seriously? How is time flying at warp speed these days?
Two months. When (in my opinion) they actually start becoming "fun." We've had our first smiles and our first laugh (as of today!) and she is just becoming a social butterfly. I am amazed at how quickly the "girl" in her is developing; she is constantly chatting away with us and often gets too distracted by what she wants to tell me when she should be eating. She has a smile reserved only for Daddy and she loves watching her big brother play.
She has also been a ROCKstar sleeper...consistently sleeping 7-9 hour stretches at night, which makes for two very happy and well rested parents! Thank you little girl, you are fitting in as a Lessa quite well. :)
Notice, I said "becoming" fun.
We thought second babies were supposed to be easier. Granted, she's not screaming for hours on end at night like Aaron did but she screams like a possessed person anytime we get in the car and she does not like to be put down.at.all.
And while those two things are enough to make this mama crazy when spending all day with a SUPER needy infant and a busy toddler, I will take it any day over having a child that won't sleep.
Physically, she is doing GREAT so far. At her two-month check last week she was weighing in at the 50% at 11.8 lbs and she's 23 inches long. We can definitely tell from all her baby chunks. We are so enjoying them, as Aaron never had any chunks. :)
However, the next two months are super critical. They are the two in which Aaron's weight dramatically dropped off and we had to start supplementing his feedings with formula. We are praying that this does not happen with Lucy but we know that the Lord knows what's best for her and we will simply trust that whatever course we end up having to take, it is good.
All in all, these past two months have taught me that having a girl isn't as scary as I imagined and I might just enjoy having a girl...maybe. ;)
And this boy....
My heart.
He is my little guy, and my heart's joy.
It has been SO fun watching him grow, especially in these last few months. Every since Lucy was born, I have noticed him seeming more grown up every single day. I love waking up and witnessing the next new thing he's learning. I could literally sit there and watch him play and read for hours. His imagination is captivating, his love for books invigorating, and his silliness catching.
My favorite hours of the day are the ones I get to spend alone with him, while Lucy is napping. He shows me so much of his little world and I am caught up in the excitement of it all as I experience it through his eyes.
He has upwards of 40 words to date and gains more everyday, it seems.
His favorite pastimes are still reading and playing endlessly with his cars, although we've added puzzles and playing outdoors to the list as well. TV still does little to capture his attention (unless it's a CARS video) and we are just fine with that, as we enjoy every moment playing with and watching him play.
He is still super sweet and has the most empathetic little heart. He ADORES his sister and gives the absolute BEST hugs and kisses, especially when he can tell that you are sad or just in need of a little affection. His smile lightens up even the darkest of moods and his laughter is to die for; it can make even the coldest person crack a smile in return. While he's not a social butterfly and prefers to spend time alone (as do his parents) he has a way of warming up to others and making them feel welcome. I am truly excited to see how the Lord uses his personality to draw him to Himself and to do great things for His kingdom.
Sitting here, trying to capture my son at eighteen months in a blog post is becoming overwhelming. There is so SO much I could record and the task all of a sudden becomes daunting. It makes me thankful for my iPhone and the age of technology in which I can snap THOUSANDS of photos of my children and can capture many of these milestones and sweet moments on film. And, if you follow me, I'm sure you have seen many. :)
Just know, dear Aaron (and anyone reading this), that your mama is SO blessed by you and is simply overjoyed to be your mama. I have tried to soak up every moment and let them settle into my memory, where I pray they will always stay. I try so hard to live in the moment with you; to put aside all distractions and just be with you because I know these days with you are passing so fast and soon you will be a grown man with a family of your own. Know that, my sweet son, while you are the third "boy" to steal my heart (Grandpa and Daddy are the first two), you will always have my heart.
Love you always,
Mama
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
A Beautiful Mess
I've always wanted to be a mommy so badly. And, in our journey through infertility, I convinced myself that I was meant to be a mommy to raise little ones that would do great things for the Lord.
Today, I realize that all I really wanted (deep down in my sinful little heart) was to show off how great a mommy I could be: how well-behaved my children could be, how put-together I could look walking down the street with my cute, sweet children tottling behind me, obeying my every word and not veering off our intended course . My desire to be a mommy, when looked at truthfully, was a desire to exalt self, to show my self-sufficiency, my ability to do something great.
The Lord has taught me in the last eighteen months, and even more so in the past two months, that my motives were all askew and I wonder why, after taking an honest look at myself, why He allowed me to become a mommy after all. And then I remember: He loves to grow His children in sanctification and He loves to remind us that all we really need is Him.
So, today, I acknowledge: I am a mess. I am not that perfect mother that has it altogether and I am not that mother with "perfect" children. It's a good day if I manage to get out of my pjs and brush my hair. My house is now constantly in a state of emergency and not a day goes by that one of us doesn't trip or fall on some "land mine." Dinner is usually cold by the time we are able to sit down and feeding my toddler looks more like torture than nourishing, as food is crammed into his mouth, praying that something makes it in. Laundry has taken on a life of its own and I am lucky if I remember to do, or have time to do, even one thing on my once exalted "to-do" list. You are sure to find one child at all times screaming or crying and if you are fortunate enough, you might just get the privilege of watching me chase my toddler down the street while jiggling my two-month old in her harness to get her to stop howling in my ear. Yes, I am a mess.
But, like with all lessons I've learned in my Christian walk, I learn best in my "mess." I wish it wasn't so but my messes tend to jolt me out of my self-loving mindset and send my crying to the Lord. And that's all He really wanted in the first place. He just wanted me to acknowledge that all I need is Him; that I can do nothing of my own strength: that when I am weak, He is strong.
I'm a long ways off from being fit for glory but I pray that in this beautiful mess of motherhood, I come closer to knowing and loving my Savior more than ever before. I pray that in my mess, my children might see their Mommy constantly acknowledging her short-comings and that their Mommy is ever-dependent on the Lord. I pray that, in my mess, my children see that, despite difficulties, despite exhaustion, despite trials, their Mommy worships and gives praise to Jesus Christ. I pray that, in my mess, I never fail to show the beauty of Christ to my kids and that they might be wooed to love Christ as they see their Mommy love Christ.
A couple of years ago I would have seen "messy" as undesirable but now? Messy is right where I want to be because I see my Savior more clearly there and I might actually accomplish my goal of raising little ones to do great things for the Lord. So, if it takes a mess to keep me humble and to keep my motives pure, than so be it.
Lord, bring on the beautiful "mess" of motherhood.
Today, I realize that all I really wanted (deep down in my sinful little heart) was to show off how great a mommy I could be: how well-behaved my children could be, how put-together I could look walking down the street with my cute, sweet children tottling behind me, obeying my every word and not veering off our intended course . My desire to be a mommy, when looked at truthfully, was a desire to exalt self, to show my self-sufficiency, my ability to do something great.
The Lord has taught me in the last eighteen months, and even more so in the past two months, that my motives were all askew and I wonder why, after taking an honest look at myself, why He allowed me to become a mommy after all. And then I remember: He loves to grow His children in sanctification and He loves to remind us that all we really need is Him.
So, today, I acknowledge: I am a mess. I am not that perfect mother that has it altogether and I am not that mother with "perfect" children. It's a good day if I manage to get out of my pjs and brush my hair. My house is now constantly in a state of emergency and not a day goes by that one of us doesn't trip or fall on some "land mine." Dinner is usually cold by the time we are able to sit down and feeding my toddler looks more like torture than nourishing, as food is crammed into his mouth, praying that something makes it in. Laundry has taken on a life of its own and I am lucky if I remember to do, or have time to do, even one thing on my once exalted "to-do" list. You are sure to find one child at all times screaming or crying and if you are fortunate enough, you might just get the privilege of watching me chase my toddler down the street while jiggling my two-month old in her harness to get her to stop howling in my ear. Yes, I am a mess.
But, like with all lessons I've learned in my Christian walk, I learn best in my "mess." I wish it wasn't so but my messes tend to jolt me out of my self-loving mindset and send my crying to the Lord. And that's all He really wanted in the first place. He just wanted me to acknowledge that all I need is Him; that I can do nothing of my own strength: that when I am weak, He is strong.
I'm a long ways off from being fit for glory but I pray that in this beautiful mess of motherhood, I come closer to knowing and loving my Savior more than ever before. I pray that in my mess, my children might see their Mommy constantly acknowledging her short-comings and that their Mommy is ever-dependent on the Lord. I pray that, in my mess, my children see that, despite difficulties, despite exhaustion, despite trials, their Mommy worships and gives praise to Jesus Christ. I pray that, in my mess, I never fail to show the beauty of Christ to my kids and that they might be wooed to love Christ as they see their Mommy love Christ.
A couple of years ago I would have seen "messy" as undesirable but now? Messy is right where I want to be because I see my Savior more clearly there and I might actually accomplish my goal of raising little ones to do great things for the Lord. So, if it takes a mess to keep me humble and to keep my motives pure, than so be it.
Lord, bring on the beautiful "mess" of motherhood.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Brandon's Time Off
We were blessed to have Brandon home for five weeks after Lucy was born. Due to an easier labor and quick recovery, we were able to make the most of his time off. Brandon and I hate crowds and decided to visit all the places we love, minus the crowds and, often, the price since many places are free during the week. We had such a wonderful time bonding as a new family of four and enjoying all the activities within reach, living in So. Cal. Here's a glimpse into our time together.
Philippe's and Olvera Street
Meeting Lucy
aka Sister
American Military History Museum
Lots of time reading
Griffith Park Train
Shane's Inspiration (Park Trip)
Celebrating Valentine's Day
(in the same place Brandon proposed five years ago)
(in the same place Brandon proposed five years ago)
Cabrillo Tidepools and Marine Aquarium with friends
Griffith Park Observatory
Pony Rides
Lots of walks
Visiting our favorite little town
Santa Barbara Zoo
Santa Barbara Pier
More trips to the park
Bob's Car Show
Celebrating one month with Lucy
Lots of projects and trips to Home Depot
L.A. Zoo and Carousel
Trying new places to eat
Library visits
Cooking with Mommy
and bike rides with Daddy
There was quite a bit more that wasn't even captured on camera but, as you can see, we packed a lot in and had a great time. We are sad that Brandon returned to work but we are so thankful for the hard worker and wonderful provider that he is for our family.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Siblings
These two.
I had no idea how Aaron would react to his sister once she was here. I knew, as a toddler, he'd probably be too rough with her and wouldn't really be of much "help" caring for her due to his young age (only 15 months). It would be expected and we prepared ourselves for a rough start. But, boy, was I wrong.
This little boy is infatuated with his little sister. He runs to her when she cries, consoles her by patting her head (gently), putting his head on her, and even sharing his beloved blanket with her. He loves to rock her in the swing and he is constantly showing her his favorite cars and books.
To be honest, he does get a little sad and mopey when our attention is focused on her but he has yet to lash out or take it out on her. Any emotional adjustment that has been visible is simply a more sensitive little boy. And we are thankful for that.
I know this sweet, sensitive side may not always last but I am greatly enjoying being witness to it now and the bond they are already forming. I look forward to watching how that bond grows through the years and I pray it will just continue to strengthen and that a true friendship would form between the two of them.
Here's just a glimpse of the sweetness we've seen over this past month.
I had no idea how Aaron would react to his sister once she was here. I knew, as a toddler, he'd probably be too rough with her and wouldn't really be of much "help" caring for her due to his young age (only 15 months). It would be expected and we prepared ourselves for a rough start. But, boy, was I wrong.
This little boy is infatuated with his little sister. He runs to her when she cries, consoles her by patting her head (gently), putting his head on her, and even sharing his beloved blanket with her. He loves to rock her in the swing and he is constantly showing her his favorite cars and books.
To be honest, he does get a little sad and mopey when our attention is focused on her but he has yet to lash out or take it out on her. Any emotional adjustment that has been visible is simply a more sensitive little boy. And we are thankful for that.
I know this sweet, sensitive side may not always last but I am greatly enjoying being witness to it now and the bond they are already forming. I look forward to watching how that bond grows through the years and I pray it will just continue to strengthen and that a true friendship would form between the two of them.
Here's just a glimpse of the sweetness we've seen over this past month.
Not to mention, they are pretty much twins, just 15 months apart.
What do you think? So far all I see is a little darker hair on Lucy and a little more chub. ;)
We laugh because, not only were they born in the same exact hospital room, delivered by the same midwife, bundled in the same blanket and hospital cap, but Brandon just happened to wear the same shirt the day both of them were born, unbeknownst to us, until we looked at the pictures. Since they look IDENTICAL at birth (minus Lucy's darker hair but, at the hospital it's covered by that hat), it's going to be extremely difficult in 20 years to figure out who's birth picture we are staring at. The only giveaway MIGHT be that there's daylight streaming through the window in Lucy's pictures, whereas Aaron was born in the middle of the night.
Maybe all that plays a part in their close bond at such a young age...twins at heart? Either way, we are enjoying these two so much and can't wait to see how their bond, and looks, develop over time. :)
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