5 Months and Why His Mama is a Bonehead

5 MONTHS, really???

This little guy continues to steal our hearts! 

I say it over and over in these monthly posts, but his little personality is SO fun and were are enjoying watching it unfold. 

Developmentally, he is doing great!

He is sitting up, supported, now...
"Talks" all the time...
Has great head control...
Smiles and laughs socially...
Still blessing me with consistent daytime naps...

Dare I share...he LIKES the swing, the stroller, AND the carseat now! Well, I don't know if "like" is the right word but he definitely tolerates them, which makes life so.much.easier.

He is, however, only sleeping 4.5-6 hour stretches at night. It sounds decent, until you realize he goes to bed at 7:30m and we go to bed at 10. :( I have been quite frustrated by this as, according to all the books, he should be able to sleep 9 hour stretches by 5 months. However, after recent discoveries, I now understand why he actually CAN'T and why I don't want to force him to...yet. For why, keep reading.

His physical growth, unfortunately, is not so spectacular. He has now gone from the 5th percentile in weight to pretty much off the charts...in a bad way. We had a checkup this past week, to check his weight specifically, and he is only 12 lbs 9 oz...only a 6 oz gain from last month. He has "plateaued" in his weight, which isn't good.

And this is where "his mama is a bonehead" comes in.

For the last month or so, ever since his 4 month well-check, I have been anxious about his weight; trying to do everything I possibly could to get him to put on a little extra weight so the pediatrician wouldn't feel interventions were necessary. I knew he didn't eat a lot but I figured that was a product of him eating just what he NEEDED and nothing more; that he was just going to be petite. I was not going to be forced into supplementing with formula since my child LOOKED and ACTED healthy, after all, he was hitting ALL his milestones; he was just LITTLE.

You know that whole thing about me learning to trust God and His sovereignty through two years of trying to GET pregnant and then through my crazy not-as-I-had-planned 40-hour labor and recovery??
I thought I HAD learned; apparently I HAVE NOT.

Long story (semi)short; at the weigh-in this past week we did a before and after feed weight check. I thought he would at least get 3 oz or so of breast-milk from the feed so my heart sank when we re-weighed him and found he had eaten FAR less than 2 ounces!

At that point, it became glaringly apparent that his poor weight-gain has been a product of my poor milk production. After all, he isn't even eating HALF of the minimum daily requirement for babies his age. Now, whether my milk-production is low because of his "demand" or purely physical reasons, I don't know, but it became clear that supplementing with formula is now a necessity; try as I may, I highly doubt that, even with drastic measures, I can regain (or produce) TWICE as much milk as I currently have or am producing. A few ounces a day, yes, FIFTEEN or MORE? No!

I could go on to tell you how deflated I felt after that appointment. I could tell you how much of a failure I felt as a mama. I could tell you how discouraged I was that I didn't even realize how little nourishment I was providing for my son. I could tell you how grieved I felt at having to supplement.
BUT, in the end, that all is beside the point.

The point is that, yet again, I was trusting in MYSELF and my abilities as a parent, rather than in the Lord. So, this development became a product of MY failure, rather than a product of the Lord teaching me to trust Him.

Seriously, I'm a bonehead. How many times am I going to have to "learn" the same lesson before I actually LEARN?!?
I'm praying that the third time's a charm but knowing me, it won't be. I have a feeling this major sin in my life is going to take a lifetime to uproot.

With all that said, I am coming to terms with this new "normal" in caring for son. I am learning that my stubbornness in being firmly against all formula-feeding was not in my son's best interest, but in my own prideful one. If supplementing is what I need to do to make sure I am caring for this little life that was entrusted to me, than that is what I need to do. After all, millions, if not billions of babies have been raised on formula alone and turned out FINE. Maybe they had a few more illnesses than breast-feed babies but they LIVED and so will Aaron. I have not failed him; I am simply learning to trust the Lord with an alternate plan. After ALL, He loves my son FAR MORE than I ever will.

Really, this has just been a HUGE lesson in humility. And, on top of that, the Lord has been SO kind in the HOW of supplementing. I get to feed Aaron as I normally would for EVERY feeding; I just "supplement" by giving him a bottle after, with the "missing" ounces. And, praise the Lord, Aaron has NO problem switching from breast to bottle, even within minutes of each other, and, apart from one weird expression on his face the first time he tasted formula, he has taken to it with no reservations.
Meanwhile, I am still doing everything I can to maintain, if not increase, my milk supply so I can make sure  that, even if by bottle, Aaron is getting as much breast-milk as possible.
AND, within three weeks he will be starting solids so he will be getting a few calories that way!

How can I complain? We caught the problem early, his weight issues appear to have a very simple fix, and my son is healthy! How could I have ever clung to my no-formula attitude at the expense of my son's life? 100 years ago, he would have been the baby that died, with no apparent reason. Today...he lives...

Learning to love my 5-month old the way the Lord would have me love him.