18 and Counting

Sooo...I think ya'll will probably know I'm pregnant before I do if I keep up this monthly update! I guess I'll take my chances, seeing as what a blessing you all have been as I have felt your prayers for us in regards to the expansion of our family. Thank you and, please, keep it up!

Well, this week we officially enter the 18 month mark of trying for Baby Lessa. And, I don't even know how to explain how I am feeling.

We SO want Baby Lessa. That hasn't changed. The day those two little lines appear, we will be overcome with joy. We will do a happy dance. We will give thanks to the Lord.

There are days that I contemplate the idea that we may never have children and it stings. There are days that I hope that thought will never have to become a reality. There are days when I long for what all my friends have, my own baby to talk to in the womb or cradle to sleep.

BUT...this month Brandon and I have experienced the most peace since this journey began a year and a half ago. We have been enjoying our "family" as it exists today, just the two of us. And, if the emotion is even allowable for a couple trying for a baby, we actually hoped that only one line would appear this month...and it did. WHAT?!? Yes, I actually smiled at the start of another month, rather than spending an afternoon crying over the fact that at least four more weeks would pass before becoming a mommy.

Does that make me any less excited and hopeful for the chance to be a mother? Does that make this trial any less important to us? Does this mean we've given up? NOT ONE BIT. So what has changed?

We have just so clearly seen the Lord's hand at work in our lives through this trial; we have come to know Him more intimately as we learn to hope only in Him and trust His timing and will for our lives, our family. We have been blessed to know that our trial is encouraging others and we are thankful to be used by Him to strengthen others' faith. He has been so faithful to lead us in our marriage and grow us closer together in Him. Our hearts are so overwhelmed with praise and thanks to Him for His grace and patience with us, His imperfect children, during this hard time, that we are led to no other response but to thank Him for His plan for us, even when we can't see what it is and even when it may not be what we've always hoped. He is truly confirming the fact that He is more than enough for us. If we are to live the rest of our days as a family of two, we will give thanks to Him for that wonderful gift! We.are.so.blessed. And, if it takes many more months (or years) to continue to conform our hearts and wills to His than we welcome them.with.open.arms.

But, before you stop reading my blog because you assume we've given up (and frankly, our baby tales are probably the only things keeping you around) I want you to know that, while we are genuinely thankful for where the Lord has us, we will continue to try for (and pray for) Baby Lessa as much as we ever have!

If you're wondering what you should do in response to this mixed-emotion post: PRAY!

Pray that we would continue to rest in the Lord's perfect will for our lives. Pray that we would honor Him with our response to each passing month. Pray that news of others pregnancies would not cause me to take my eyes off of Him and His plan for OUR life. Pray that we would continue to grow as husband and wife. Pray that we would make the most of our childless years, both in our personal lives and in ministry. Pray that we continue to proclaim that He is more than enough.