21 Months and Counting

Month #21: Fail

I will not lie. This weekend was HARD. I cried. A LOT.

I am tired. Tired of this trial. 

I have cried out to the Lord, as Paul did, to remove this "thorn" and, like Paul, I have received this answer:

"My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." {2 Cor 12:9a}

I am definitely weak.

It is a constant battle to choose to think rightly about where we are as a family, to choose to trust God and not listen to Satan's lies.

But that's exactly where the Lord wants me. Weak in my own efforts. Weak in my own strength. He wants me at the place where all I can do is look to Him. Well, that's where He's got me.

And while I am tired and have tried to "help" God out by offering my own resolutions to this trial, I see that He has me precisely where He wants me. Through His sustaining grace, I have been able to ride the balance of sorrow and peace. 

Sorrow that my dreams for my life are as yet unrealized and, at the same time, peace that my Heavenly Father is holding me...and my future...firmly in His hand.

"Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore, I am well content with weaknesses...for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong." {2 Cor 12:9b-10}

It's true; I am saddened that another month has passed without conceiving and there will always be sin, hidden and realized, to be repented of as long as I am to endure this trial BUT... faced with the reality that this trial continues, I am truly GLAD to BOAST in it. Through it, I have been emboldened to proclaim Christ and His sufficiency. If this trial of infertility is how God is going to be the most glorified by my life, then I AM WELL CONTENT. I am strong. 

So, if you see me crying {which I do plenty of}: don't feel sorry for me, don't feel uncomfortable, don't instantly think I am in utter despair; just know the Lord is doing a magnificent work in my life and that, knowing He knows best, I wouldn't change one.hard.thing...even if it means more tears...more waiting.

If you know me personally and you come across me on a hard day, smile...I will smile back through the tears because...our God is great...even when life is not.

With that said, I can never get enough hugs, enough encouraging words, enough prayer.

This is not a road to travel alone.

Moral of the story {or supremely difficult weekend}: 

"Though my heart is torn...I will praise You in this storm." ~ Casting Crowns