Day #29 & My Week

Today is Day #29 of the blogger challenge (wishes/prayers) but, seeing as how my entire week was one big jumble of wishes/prayers, I am just going to summarize what has been going on...

I seriously thought this was the month. I was finally pregnant.

Let me back up. The entire month I was sure I wasn't pregnant. I was fully expecting for "it" to come; I wasn't having any inner struggles with that. I have just been really content with where we are and so I was anticipating another typical, run-of-the-mill month.

That was, until last week.

To get a little TMI, I was supposed to start last Wednesday. A day off here or there...no big deal. Nothing out of the ordinary. Wednesday came and went and, nothing. Ok. No problem. I was just thinking..."Good, now I'll have the weekend to veg and not have to worry about a difficult few days chasing four-year-olds while feeling awful."

Thursday came and went. Friday, same story. Still, not thinking much of it (i.e. not getting my hopes up).

But Saturday...Saturday was different. Saturday I started having symptoms that are not typical for me....symptoms that made me stop and actually think, "Hey, maybe this is the month!" Since, by this time, I was already four days late, I decided to take the plunge and buy some pregnancy tests. You'd think I was giddy excited. No. I was scared to death. Scared to death that it would be positive. Wait, WHAT? Ummm...don't you mean scared to death that it was NEGATIVE?? No, I was scared it was going to be positive.

As I have said before, my desire for children has not changed an iota, but after seeing what the Lord has done in our lives and through our lives by taking us through this trial has encouraged my soul and has made me so thankful that He ordained for us to experience this. I have been learning so much about myself, my marriage, and my Lord through this period of waiting and it.has.been.good. It has been worth it. So much so that I found myself Saturday not wanting this period of time to end. It's hard to explain but I have actually been excited about how I can use this trial to be an encouragement to others going through the same thing and, if I was pregnant, I would no longer be able to be an encouragement. I would just be another ya-well-you-don't-really-know-lady-you-did-get-pregnant. So, Saturday, I was scared to death for a positive test.

It was negative. A little disappointed (to be truthful, although nervous about a "yes", I did spend some time Saturday looking at pregnancy-related websites and dreaming about how I would creatively break the news to close family and friends (and even my blogger friends!)) but at the same time resigned to living this trial, we went about our Saturday afternoon and I managed to not dwell on it much more that evening. Afterall, maybe I had just miscalculated (although...come on, I have been tracking my body's every move in regards to baby-making this past year and a half...I really didn't think I could be wrong). It would come tomorrow, Sunday. Not entirely good-timing...being my birthday and all. Not the present I was excited about!

Sunday came. And went. Nothing. Nada. Same symptoms. No apparent changes. What is going on???

This morning (Monday)...woke up early, took another test. Negative. BUT, still "it" wasn't here and I was physically feeling great. I emailed my doctor to set up an appointment for a blood test, just in case my at-home tests weren't registering right (back story: I think part of my "problems" may be hormone related).

Now mentally, I was a lot more unsettled. It was still terrifying to think that there was no going back...we're a family of three from now on (after all...I was SIX days late). But now there was this out-out-out struggle with myself. I did not want this trial to be over...but I was thankful it was. I was not ready for my time alone with my husband to be fading away...but I was excited for a new chapter to begin. I was starting to dread the idea of giving birth...but I was thrilled to be able to experience it. I was sad that my long, lazy nights of sleep would be a thing of the past...but I was more than happy to spend those nights rocking my baby to sleep. I didn't want to really be pregnant...but I was praying for it with everything in me.

I went about my morning...got ready for work...walked into my classroom, and I knew. A short trip to the restroom confirmed it. Not this month. I was devastated.

Meghan....what do you WANT???

I wanted "it" to come last Wednesday. I wanted "it" to never come at all. I did NOT want to be in limbo for SIX days. If "it" came last Wednesday, I wouldn't have been surprised or, frankly, too upset. If "it" never came at all, after picking myself up from the shock, I would  have been tremendously excited.

I am not good with limbo. I am not good with uncertainty. I am a planner. You can't plan, mentally or emotionally, when you are waiting.

And I think that's what the Lord had in mind all the time. He knew I needed the limbo to give all my plans back to Him. To throw up my hands and say, "Not my will, but Your will be done, Lord." And to show me that I don't really know what I want. If I was pregnant, I would be discontent about all the things that motherhood meant I had to leave behind. If I wasn't pregnant, I would be discontent about all the things I may never experience. My sinful soul is never satisfied.

Although this past week was not what I had in mind, not how I would have done things, I am thankful for having to go through it (in hindsight, of course). I don't know what I want. But the Lord knows what is best for me...and that's exactly what He's going to give me. All I have to do is trust Him and be thankful that HE KNOWS.

So...if you're wondering how you can pray for me...pray that I would be so satisfied in Him that every month, no matter what the outcome, I would rejoice. Because, obviously, His plan is the only one to rejoice in.