A Beautiful Mess

I've always wanted to be a mommy so badly. And, in our journey through infertility, I convinced myself that I was meant to be a mommy to raise little ones that would do great things for the Lord.

Today, I realize that all I really wanted (deep down in my sinful little heart) was to show off how great a mommy I could be: how well-behaved my children could be, how put-together I could look walking down the street with my cute, sweet children tottling behind me, obeying my every word and not veering off our intended course . My desire to be a mommy, when looked at truthfully, was a desire to exalt self, to show my self-sufficiency, my ability to do something great.

The Lord has taught me in the last eighteen months, and even more so in the past two months, that my motives were all askew and I wonder why, after taking an honest look at myself, why He allowed me to become a mommy after all. And then I remember: He loves to grow His children in sanctification and He loves to remind us that all we really need is Him.

So, today, I acknowledge: I am a mess. I am not that perfect mother that has it altogether and I am not that mother with "perfect" children. It's a good day if I manage to get out of my pjs and brush my hair. My house is now constantly in a state of emergency and not a day goes by that one of us doesn't trip or fall on some "land mine." Dinner is usually cold by the time we are able to sit down and feeding my toddler looks more like torture than nourishing, as food is crammed into his mouth, praying that something makes it in. Laundry has taken on a life of its own and I am lucky if I remember to do, or have time to do, even one thing on my once exalted "to-do" list. You are sure to find one child at all times screaming or crying and if you are fortunate enough, you might just get the privilege of watching me chase my toddler down the street while jiggling my two-month old in her harness to get her to stop howling in my ear. Yes, I am a mess.

But, like with all lessons I've learned in my Christian walk, I learn best in my "mess." I wish it wasn't so but my messes tend to jolt me out of my self-loving mindset and send my crying to the Lord. And that's all He really wanted in the first place. He just wanted me to acknowledge that all I need is Him; that I can do nothing of my own strength: that when I am weak, He is strong.

I'm a long ways off from being fit for glory but I pray that in this beautiful mess of motherhood, I come closer to knowing and loving my Savior more than ever before. I pray that in my mess, my children might see their Mommy constantly acknowledging her short-comings and that their Mommy is ever-dependent on the Lord. I pray that, in my mess, my children see that, despite difficulties, despite exhaustion, despite trials, their Mommy worships and gives praise to Jesus Christ. I pray that, in my mess, I never fail to show the beauty of Christ to my kids and that they might be wooed to love Christ as they see their Mommy love Christ.

A couple of years ago I would have seen "messy" as undesirable but now? Messy is right where I want to be because I see my Savior more clearly there and I might actually accomplish my goal of raising little ones to do great things for the Lord. So, if it takes a mess to keep me humble and to keep my motives pure, than so be it.

Lord, bring on the beautiful "mess" of motherhood.