Burden Bearers

Recently, I finished reading a book on infertility, entitled "Hannah's Hope" by Jennifer Saake.

It was such an encouraging, biblically grounded read as Jennifer, who had struggled with infertility for many years herself, took us through the life of Hannah and her struggle/desire to have children. If you are struggling with infertility, I highly recommend the book!

However, this post is related to something she sprinkled throughout her book, a section called "Burden Bearers" at the end of every chapter. In these sections, Jennifer addresses those who are family and friends of those coping with infertility. It's a section of "what to say/what not to say," if you will, for those who are looking to encourage families going through infertility and/or loss of child. This was probably the most profound section for me, and the most helpful. As I read over some of her advice I realized 1) that I have struggled with some of the very same well-meaning actions/comments from friends/family and 2) I have made some of these very same mistakes addressing my friends who have experienced infertility or loss of child.

I thought it might be helpful to pass some of the hints along to my readers but, please: if you find yourself realizing you have said/done one or more of these things towards me or someone else, do NOT feel bad/guilty or assume I am talking directly to you. Remember; I said I have been guilty of the same...this is an issue that is not often talked about, and, if you have not been through it, it's hard to know what to say and/or do {I still struggle with these things and I am going through it!}. All I ask is that you take these "hints" to heart and use them to help you know what to say and/or do the next time you interact with someone dealing with these difficult issues.

Without further ado...(boy, I'm long-winded!)

{Taken all from Jennifer Saake's book...echoed in my own heart}

Burden Bearers- Take Note: (can also be applied to men/aspiring fathers)

* Don't start out a conversation with a new acquaintance with: "So, do you have any children?" This may be a hurtful reminder to them that they don't....TRY: "Tell me a little about yourself."

* Don't ask, "When are you going to start a family?" Her husband IS her family! Family does not start with children.

* Don't give them an endless list of bedroom related advice; they have probably tried out all the "tricks" already; they will ask if they feel comfortable enough with you and feel it's needed.

* "Just relax" is NOT a helpful hint....

* Upon hearing someone is struggling with infertility please, please, please do not use these two phrases, "You're still so young!" or "It'll happen one day." Really? Reallllly? God has given you divine revelation that they will conceive? Please don't assume you know God's will for their life.

* Stories about other infertility "success" stories can be encouraging but do not ensure a "success" story for your friends' life...refrain from these. God has a unique plan for each of His children...focus on what He's doing in your friends' life.

* Don't elevate parenthood to the point where it would make someone struggling with infertility feel cursed. Yes, parenthood is an immense blessing but please don't talk of it in such a way that it would make a woman feel "less" a woman because she has no living children.

* Don't keep asking, "Are you pregnant yet?" Believe me, a woman in this position will shout from the rooftops when she is finally blessed with a pregnancy!

* When discussing parenting, don't give the impression {ESPECIALLY don't SAY it} that they don't understand because they aren't a "mom" yet. Thanks! We'd like to be...we can't really fix that ourselves.

* If you have a friend that has experienced a loss of a child, don't say, "You can always have another one" or "At least you know you can get pregnant." These are not comforting words.

* If you are a close friend and are thinking of becoming pregnant, ask you friend how they would like to be notified. Hearing this news in a very public setting (i.e. church) is probably not the easiest way for them to process your good news! {I have been soooo blessed by my friends and how they have "broken" the news to me; it has given me a chance to take in the news, pray, and genuinely rejoice with them. Thank you...you know who you are! :}

* Be a student of your friend/family member. Some of them may be very private with how they deal with this experience; some may be very open about it. Knowing your friend will help you be a better burden bearer. {If you are MY burden bearer- ASK...I am more than eager to share how the Lord is using this trial in our lives!}

* DO: Pray for them. ASK them how you can be praying. Don't assume you know how they are handling this season/trial. Some may need more encouragement; some may just need more affirmation that they are on the right path, mentally and spiritually.

* DO: Ask them what they are learning about God amidst this trial. Focus their minds heavenward!!

* DO: Remind them of His faithfulness and His perfect will for their life, whatever that may include (or exclude)....we can't hear it enough!

Those of just some "helpful hints." I hope they were, indeed, helpful and have encouraged you in just how to be a blessing to those struggling with infertility. If you have any other good advice, as someone who has gone through this (either personally or as a friend) please share!