A Struggle

Well, just this last Friday I posted how blessed Brandon and I are despite the fact that fifteen months have elapsed since trying for a baby. And, while that remains true, last night while trying to fall asleep I had one of my "moments;" not of crying, not of outright discontentment but of struggling with God's sovereignty vs. medical helps.

We want children. We desire to raise a family that loves the Lord. I want to solely be a worker at home. I want my legacy to live through my children...a legacy that points back to Christ. I want to have children that go out and do great things for the Kingdom. We want to be fruitful and multiply.

How can we do all this without children?

This is where my struggle lies. I know that God is perfectly sovereign over our family: He knows IF we will have children, IF they will be blood related or adopted, and WHEN we will have children. I KNOW THIS!!

BUT...a little part of me feels a tug...hears a little whisper: "Meghan, you can't just sit back and TRUST God, now can you? You need to do your part!"

Well, obviously there is something...some part we MUST play if we are to be parents :) but the struggle comes from feeling like maybe we need to give in and do some "testing." After all, fifteen months is past the mark that doctors make you cross before they are willing to discuss options/tests/treatments.

I have referred to this in a previous post; Brandon and I have decided that testing/treatments are not an option for us. Not because they are "sinful" in and of themselves, but the idea of them causes me to sin. I know, without a doubt, I would be prone to get anxious and would take success or failure personally. It would be about me (or Brandon)!

But it's all about God! HE gives life. Sure, he may use our bodies to accomplish that, but He doesn't really need us. Think: Abraham and Sarah. Romans 4:19- "He (Abraham) contemplated his own body, now as good as dead since he was about a hundred years old, and the deadness of Sarah's womb..." There was NO scientific/medical reason that they should conceive and I believe God wanted it that way; they were beyond help...beyond any earthly help. God wanted to prove that it was HE that gives life to the womb!!

And I know that in my heart of hearts to be true. For me, if I were to even just go through some simple testing, I would be taking my fertility in my hands; why would I need God if I could figure out what was "wrong" and have someone "fix" me?? While Brandon and I are not the father and mother of the faith (Abraham and Sarah) and God doesn't need to accomplish fertility miracles through us to establish His chosen race, I do know that He loves us and has the most perfect plan for our lives. It may not end up being the life that Brandon and I have pictured but it will be precisely what He has deemed best for us. That may include never becoming parents. But I know (with my heart, not just my head) that, should He choose to bless us with children, it will be all about Him and His sovereign hand over our lives, over my womb. I don't need to chase down "solutions." It is all in His good time.

"In hope against hope he believed...he did not waiver in unbelief but grew strong in faith, giving glory to God." Romans 4:18-21 paraphrased